The month of May has got to be one of the most dreadful months for most school-going kids and their parents because it is exam month. For the past three years, I relied heavily on assessment books and past year papers to prepare Little Boy for the exams. However, this year, I was totally clueless on how and what to prepare my boy for his 1st GEP exams as I do not have any GEP past papers or assessment books. I could only rely on his teachers to prepare him. In school, mock papers were given prior to the actual exams to give the students an idea on what types of question would be tested. I had a heart seizure when Little Boy came home with his mock papers. He scored way below the mean for all his papers!
I began to panic for the first time since Little Boy entered the GEP. Everything was going so well for him before this. He could manage all his homework, projects and had scored well in all assignments. Why couldn't he even meet the mean for those mock tests? What went wrong? What if he can't meet the baseline for promotion and has to go back to mainstream? Many questions and doubts flooded my mind but with just 2 weeks to the exams, I could not afford to waste anymore time wondering what went wrong. I knew I had to roll up my sleeves and work with him on those mock papers; redoing every question and helping him understand all his mistakes.
To my surprise, Little Boy (who is adverse to extra work) didn't whine nor complain when I sat him down for the coaching sessions. On the contrary, he took every session very seriously; putting in every ounce of effort he could muster to learn and practice. He even offered to do some questions from the mainstream assessment books (which are largely irrelevant to the GEP syllabus). Though he acted nonchalant, I knew deep down he wanted to do well.
Little Boy was beaming with confidence before and after each paper and I did have good feelings too. After all, we did put in our best effort with whatever time we had to revise for the exams. After all, Little Boy is a fast learner and had shown that he understood all his lessons. Well, not all fairytales have happy endings. My good feelings came to a complete halt the moment Little Boy announced his exam scores to me. He did do better than the mock tests. His marks improved in all papers but they were still short of the mean. Previously, in the mainstream, he would be among the top 1/3 of his class but now he's the bottom half. How depressing to have those figures staring at me; mocking at Little Boy's failures! I know he's among the top 1% of his cohort now, so, I don't expect him to be among the top in his class. But shouldn't he be, at the very least, among the average? And I don't think l am being unreasonable to expect him to score higher than the mean. After all the scoldings on his careless mistakes and signing the papers, a part of me receded to a secretive and recluse corner in my heart to mourn.
Just when I thought I was done mourning over Little Boy's lackluster results, he surprised me one day with a question. "Are you happy with my marks?" he asked. I was taken aback! How do I answer him? The truth or some cliche answers to protect his self-esteem? Not knowing what to say, I asked him why did he ask the question and he revealed that his Maths teacher asked him the same question and he had no answer. I had no answer too, I told him. He looked away with downcast eyes.
Why couldn't I answer Little Boy? Even he knew that by not answering I had already revealed how I felt. It was at that moment that I recalled an incident that happened in Church. I am a Sunday School teacher teaching a group of primary 5 kids and among them there's a boy (J) from the GEP as well. Few weeks back, I found J crying in the toilet before the worship started. He revealed that he got a harsh scolding from his mother on his way to Church. His mother didn't think that he had put in enough effort in his studies which resulted in his poor scores. You may not know but J is the most obedient child in my class and he gives his best effort in all activities I set out for the class. He never fails to lend a helping hand to his peers. Despite being in the GEP, he has never been boastful or arrogant. The ungrateful mother! So unappreciative of having such a wonderful son. So blind to see that the son's excellent character outweighs the exam scores. So foolish to not recognise her blessings. I froze! How is it that I could see the monster in other people but ignored the devil in me.
Immediately, I went to Little Boy and told him I had an answer to his earlier question. He avoided my eyes. I told him that I was not happy with his marks (he started to tear) but I was happy with him nonetheless. He looked at me in puzzlement. I was happy that he had wanted to do well. I was happy that he had put in extra effort in his revision prior to his exams. I was happy that he had improved from his mock tests. But that doesn't mean I have lowered my expectation. "Chase the mean," I told him, "That's your goal for the next exams." Little Boy smiled and nodded his head.
We hugged! In my private mourning, I had become blind and foolish too. "I love you, Mommy," Little Boy whispered in my ears. With that, my mourning was truly over!
